Being Close

I was driving around yesterday with a baby doll in my lap, kid music blasting from the stereo, a diaper bag filled with "big girl" snacks and a "whoozit" at the ready in case Abby got fussy. There I was, at a red light, when it dawned on me that Mother's Day was Sunday. I didn't, not for one second, think - "How did i get here? How do I know what a whoozit is?" Probably because I know exactly how I got here. It took numerous years, numerous fertility treatments and numerous pennies. I know exactly how many of each of these things it precisely took. And, I can actually say, that I would not change a single thing about those facts.

My timing was certainly not God's timing when it came to having a child. But after lots of fighting it, my timing did become His timing. And as anyone who wants something really badly knows, once you submit and let it go, whatever will be will be. You're actually okay with it at that point because all of the fighting it has worn you out. Which is exactly where God wanted me. Worn out, tired of doing it on my own and willing to take what He gives. (Which, by the way, is always good, even if it doesn't seem so when your baby gets diagnosed with a heart defect.) She was certainly worth waiting for. Any child is worth the wait, of course. But I am so thankful that I'm able to say that, especially considering the first 4 months of Abigail's life, riddled with fear, denial, living minute by minute, feeding to sometimes tearful feeding... because looking back, God was close. Ever so close. So that when I start to drift, and take things for granted again (our health, my husband, our happy child, the ability to pay our bills...) you actually miss that closeness. And back I run. Just in time for Mother's Day.

Which brings me to the thing I'm most excited for on Mother's Day. We are, for the first time since having Abigail, barring something unknown, going to church. Not on our couch, hearing the sermon live, as we've done almost every Sunday -- but in the actual building. And I can't wait.

I'm not sure how it's going to go with Abby. I do know she won't be wearing her Guess jeans (although they are awfully cute) that Grandma N. bought her.... (it's an occasion deserving of a dress, right?)




But I do know she won't be able to crawl around the corner and do this, mid-sermon...


Happy Mother's Day everyone. Mine already feels special.